Highs and Lows...

 A line from a song last Sunday...

In every high and every low You never left me without hope.

That is where I have been for the latter half of August. I will start us off with a cute picture. Miles arranged all the stuffed animals on the shelf. That my friends is a sweet find and one of my many blessings.

The last half of August tried really hard to bring me down. I had lots thrown at me and kinda got in the weeds longer than I normally allow myself to stay. I will share a wee bit to maybe lift someone else who needs to be reminded we have highs and lows in life.

This has been my go to quote other than Scripture for reminders that fear is not something to be embarrassed by.

From C.S. Lewis....

Courage isn't the absence of fear but acting despite it. In fact, you would not need courage if you did not have fear. 

I honestly think the next picture was the beginning of my emotions spiraling downward . Home ownership always brings challenges, but this was one I had spoken of so many times to Jeff and he just kind of ignored it. Granted, he has had more on his mind than this. However, I sort of fell apart as the drip drip drip of water came down which it has done numerous times, but this time the wood started dropping down too.

While we have a new roof this one place has not been helped by a roof. It needs something more. One day in one of those torrential downpours the wood fell down and the water was coming in and I just couldn't handle it. All is better now. Someone has come to look at it and are one their way next week to fix this problem that is kinda more a design problem than anything else. It is one window, but it was the catalyst for a lot of emotions to pour out.

The same guy and crew are coming to redo the walls leading up to our 2 skylights too and get all that straightened up.

We haven't had a working dishwasher in about a year. All of our appliances are kind of meeting that magic age to go out. Remember the stove had to replaced not so long ago. Anyway, when the dishwasher went out the guy came out and said basically it was time to replace vs repair. I put it off because as I told Jeff I just didn't want to deal with it. I suggested we just get a new one before Thanksgiving. Jeff actually went shopping and picked out a new one without me and got it scheduled for delivery. A Bosch no less. I have never owned something so fancy. It was at a local place here in town and a discontinued out of the box one for way less. It is pretty snazzy if I might say so myself. True to the last half of August, it wouldn't go into the space because the newer tiles are too high. We couldn't even get the old one out without popping up the tiles. Fortunately, I have kept extra tiles and had plenty. The guy coming next week is going to repair that too.

The remainder of my emotional spiral revolves around the fear of Jeff's health. I spoke of our July visit to Mayo and that was good, but he was assigned to get a physical therapist that specializes in his condition. Jeff has the postural instability and gait issues of Parkinson's not the tremor kind of Parkinson's. I won't go into all the terminology. In my searching for that kind of physical therapy, I kept coming back to a movement disorder doctor in Pensacola. 

If you have read my heath journey in my top tags, you know I visited a neurologist who left that to become a functional medicine doctor. He has retired, but we still actually keep in touch with him and he shared that Jeff really needed to find one with that fellowship training. This doctor in Pensacola is new and after much discussion we decided to go visit. It couldn't hurt. 

I ran the gamut of emotions with this. We went over one day to check out the location. Good point is that is on the south side of town making it an easier drive for us. We walked in and they had a cancellation so we were able to get in way sooner than expected. 

We arrived early on August 19th for our appointment. Katie's mom drove over to keep Miles because I have to go with him to these kind of things. First thing that I didn't like was a 50 minute wait. Then she walked in and my first 3 thoughts were:

~I don't like her

~she is harsh

~she is mean

Jeff did not feel that way. He leaned in and heard her out on her method of assessing him and she spent 50 minutes with us. I began to change not because I didn't still think she was harsh, but because she was thorough and knowledgable and had reasons for everything she did. Jeff liked her though.

We are going to continue seeing her. 

She changed his medicine he has been taking for which we have see significant improvement (not the dosage, but the scheduling of that dose). We were happy about the changes because there had to be some or we as a family were very sad to see what was happening. She didn't like the higher dose all of a sudden in the mornings because she felt that was too much stimulant at one time. It should be more evened out over the course of the 24 hours. His mornings are his worst times, but the change has worked. We will see her in October to see how the change of medication is going and then start with intensive PT in Gulf Breeze...like an hour daily for a month. 

Basically, we as a family have seen him go from old man shuffle stooped over and depressed which is not our Jeff to walking with longer strides and life in him to try and do. He is walking in the mornings and riding his bike in the afternoon. He has chosen to be on a board that does things for the school system and is getting involved in things.

All of those are positives, but the thing that sent me down the doom and gloom hole of despair was some research on the kind of Parkinson's he has. This kind tends to have a higher rate of dementia form later and you just don't want to even know about the stages. I let it get me and shed so many tears. I think I had been holding them back for months and I had a hard 2 weeks trying to get hold of myself. I got this way back last fall right after he got the official diagnosis. Remember I had already self diagnosed him. It took me some time to pull myself together then.

I am going to be ok. It is a journey I have been called to walk and I know He will walk it with me. I know that I have to be more positive and live for the day right in front of me, but I am human and sometimes you just get low....

I also couple that with my mom who is has been struggling lately with her happiness level and folks, it is just hard sometimes. 

We will move on though, because I am coming out of my funk.

*****

I saw this on Facebook the other day. I loved this picture. It speaks so much of how times have changed. I have no idea who this is. It is just a What We Did group on FB in Fort Walton Beach. It is a picture of an old hotel on the island and the lady just reminded me so much of a different time.

The lady is dressed so neat. The outfit is so like something Mama would have worn. I love her pose. I was taught always to put my feet like that for photos. These days I see these girls in some weird poses. I am gong to be honest; I prefer this one. It is much more elegant. Bring back home economics and shop I say!!!

Reading

I had to put a book away because it was just too heavy to read. The Nightingale is highly favored and it is honestly a great book. It is about 500 pages and I got halfway through struggling. It was just too sad to read at this point in my life, so I put it on a shelf for maybe later. I did however pick up a sweet book. Moonberry Lake by Holly Varni was much more my speed at this time in my life. Redemption, forgiveness, sweetness, quirky characters, small town living on a lake all made me a much happier camper.

I finally put my reading list on Goodreads. Lindsay had been after me for a while to join her, but I couldn't seem to make myself just start out there in a random time and forget about all the books I have read for some 60 plus years, but I did it. I had my planner back to 2021 and listed all the books I have read since then. I only list them and rate with stars. I don't try to write anything. It will just serve as my reading list. I rate too high and give myself no room for the stellar once in a blue moon book, so if I read one of those I will have to write something I suppose. Ha!

Stitching

I am working away on my Pensacola lighthouse and am enjoying it again after some loss of interest even in stitching. I am also plugging away on making the pockets for the Advent calendar. Below is my old sewing machine that I LOVE sewing on. I gave myself permission to box up the fancy one I bought about 10 years ago and put it in a closet for now. Maybe one day I will feel differently about it, but for now this old Kenmore sings my song.

Gardening

Even this has been a struggle for me as of late. It is August and that means no flowers are happy in the heat, but with my fertilizer debacle I have had lows there as well. I am actually looking forward to fall and planting some pansies. No, you didn't read that!

I love summer and am still reveling in her heat despite all the naysayers on summer. I am not dreading fall though this year, so I guess that is something. On the 23rd, we had the oddest thing ever. It was cool. I mean like a fall day in August. Jeff and I don't ever remember a day like that in August and we are getting old:)

Well, if you are still reading you are tired and ready for me to close and I will.

Katie is having a girl. A granddaughter is arriving in January. The ladies in this family have already been scheming and pulled out Lindsay's old smocked dresses that Mother made her. Excitement is in the air. 

Each good day is to be counted.